i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
