I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Someone came in the potted fern
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
