There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
