When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
