What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
