I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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