Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I didn't notice because vodka
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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