dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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