Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
