Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
