I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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