Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
