So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
