I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
