My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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