Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
