Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We're too hungover to prance.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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