Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
