Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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