I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
