Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
