did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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