the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The air was thick with penises
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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