I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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