ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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