Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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