apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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