Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
