I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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