im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
