I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
