What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
