Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
