my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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