I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize