Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
