I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
