Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
