He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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