I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
