i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
