there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We're too hungover to prance.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
