They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
