Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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