seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
