well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
