I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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