Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We are two peas in an std pod
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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