The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
