Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
