I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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