She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this is an emotional support booty call
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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